" I ’m a 31 - twelvemonth - old fair sex who has never had sexuality . I had some health issues in college , so I feel like I miss the gravy holder . … The more prison term passes , the more interested I am to admit my rawness to any future partner . If I do start seeing someone , is it fine not to tell them the the true ? ”
Although it’s way less taboo to talk about sex these days, it’s still a topic that some people might not feel comfortable openly discussing — let alone asking questions about.
But here’s the thing: It’s completely normal to be curious about exploring different areas of sex — orsex education. Maybe you’re wondering why your sex drive is low or how you can go about introducing a new kink into the bedroom, but you’re not sure who to turn to with those questions, and you’re over googling them.
So IaskedtheBuzzFeed Communityto let me know what questionstheyhad about sex but are too shy or slightly embarrassed to ask. And then I enlisted the help of experts to answer them: New York City–based psychotherapist and sex therapistDulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, CST; psychotherapistSalima M. Ndoye, LMFT; and certified sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapistJenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST.
observe : Some responses and questions have been cut for length and/or clarity .
1.“I’m a 31-year-old woman who has never had sex. I had some health issues in my college years, so I feel like I missed the period when many of my peers were having sex for the first time. I have friends and, I would say, an average social life, but I don’t date much and haven’t been interested in anyone romantically for a long time. I would like to find a partner, but the more time passes, the more concerned I am that admitting my inexperience sexually to any prospective partner would be embarrassing. If I do start seeing someone, is it OK not to tell them the truth or to embellish a little?”
— Anonymous
Jenni Skyler : I recall it ’s deserving name that havingwild intimate exploration in college years is a societal narration that need not fit for everyone . If we oblige ourselves to fit into a substandard narrative , then we are n’t living our most authentic lives .
I ’m far more a lover of authenticity and transparence rather than lying or grace . If you start a relationship with a lie , then maintain that can feel unmanageable and may eat you active . You will be far more concerned about keep up the lie rather than being in the moment and tolerate yourself to explore .
As for your limited experience , this is totally OK and more common than you may think . We all have different experience on dissimilar timeline . You had health issues that changed the flight of your sexual exploration . Again , this is OK.If a prospective date or partner does n’t have compassionateness for this , then they are n’t deserving dating .
Even if you did n’t have wellness issues but simply made a choice to refrain , that ’s also OK and , again , should be respect by a prospective date . My advice is to slow down and access your high ego , where bravery and trust live . This way , you could see and explore sex activity at your pace in a sport and pleasurable manner .
2.“As a trans male, how I can feel more masculine in bed? I feel like not having a penis makes it much harder for me to dominate.”
Dulcinea Alex Pitagora : The first step is realizing that sex , sexiness , maleness , and dominance all begin in the brainpower , not in the bedroom — or wherever you wish having sex . Masculinity has very small to do with whether you have a member or not . Many very feminine multitude have penises , for example .
We ’re all socialised to equate masculinity with dominance and to recollect of those construct in a very bolt defined agency , but masculinity is show in a wide chain of ways — as is authority — so you really get to decide who you are and how you need to evince yourself . The next affair to understand is that if you ’re into being predominant , you ’ll need a partner who inspires your laterality , is into being submissive , and is into being submissive to you .
3.“Is it wrong for me to get turned on by occasionally being ‘used for my body’ by my husband? There have been occasions when I’ve woken up to him groping me (or, once, masturbating), thinking I’m still asleep.”
" After it happened , because he ’s an true bozo , he would in reality be transparent about it the next morning , and in order not to discourage him from doing it again , I tell apart him , ' If I consent to it while I ’m awake , you could do it to me while I ’m asleep , ' but he has n’t done it since — and I ’m actually disappointed . He does n’t have sex I was awake for parts of it . Is this wrong ? Is there a deep , darker meaning to my desires ? I would be disquieted about anyone necessitate vantage of an unconscious individual under any other setting . But if this is a normal , healthy juju , are there good way to convey this to my hubby without embarrassing either of us ?
" Just to be light , I wholeheartedly agree that consent is the most of import part of healthy sexual relationships . Also , my hubby is incredibly reverential of my comfort and enjoyment , emotionally and physically , in all part of our relationship . We have a prissy sex life , but it ’s not extremely exciting after seven days together . "
Skyler : Many citizenry get work on by being objectified or " used , " as you said . The benefit of being married or in a attached partnership is that you’re able to earmark yourself to be as vulnerable as possible , including objectifying each other . In a means , it ’s one of the only places you could safely objectify and be objectified , make out that it ’s have from consent and arousal . I even tell some of my clients that this is like a form of " consecrated objectification . " I encourage objectification for couples who need to be less polite with one another and would rather be a bit more racy and aphrodisiacal .
In terms of communicate this to your hubby , you’re able to have him learn my answer above , and let him have it off what a turn - on it is when he initiates mid - sleep . correctly now , it seems like you gave him permission , but he might conceive you are just acquiescing and offer up him a giving . This is really different than the fact that it turns you on . Oftentimes , hearing our partner ’s turn - ons ends up plough us on .
If , for some ground , he seems embarrassed , do n’t back away . Many couples never get clarity about their sex lives because it feels awkward to talk about it . Then they bear in quiet . Get curious about why he might be embarrassed , and reinforce that it turn you on !
4.“My husband and I have very different tastes when it comes to sex. He likes it one way, and I like it another way. How do I go about telling him what I like sexually without him getting defensive?”
5.“As a woman, will I find that my first time having sex is more uncomfortable if I’m in my mid-20s?”
Salima M. Ndoye : Not everyone will have the same experience . For those who will have discomfort — if notmedically link up — it could be uncomfortable due to anxiety , making it difficult to unlax ; not being lube enough ; or not easing into enough stimulation . pass on to your partner what finger good and what does n’t . It ’s of import to have sex when you are ready , without any atmospheric pressure .
6.“I am a bisexual woman, and my partner is a man. I’ve only had sex with one woman, and the rest have been men. While I love my partner and want to be with them and have a life with them, I keep thinking of never being able to sleep with a woman again — and I keep having sexual fantasies about it. How do I manage this feeling?”
Pitagora : I’m bear you ’re in a monogamous relationship , so my first question is , Can you talk to your partner about trying nonmonogamy?If your partner is not opened to nonmonogamy , it ’s a good theme to lecture about how you ’re both defining monogamy . This is something that monogamous duet rarely do , butyou can learn so much about what you ’re each well-heeled with and how you could redefine your relationship structurewhile stay monogamous .
You never recognize . You might fit in to a monogamous relationship structure that can expand to contain some sort of interaction with women . If not — and your monogamy wo n’t leave for exploration of any sort — you might consider expanding on the fantasies that you ’re already experience and bring them into intimate fundamental interaction with your partner .
7.“I haven’t given a blowjob before, and I’m nervous about whether to use a condom when the time comes. I know it’s a safe thing to do, but I’m not sure if it is super common (or not) — or how the guy will react. Would be grateful for any tips!”
8.“I was on antidepressants for four years and recently weaned off of them. One of the side effects of the drug was a low libido. But even though I’m off them now, I’ve noticed I still have no sex drive whatsoever. Everyone I talk to says it’s no big deal, it happens. But not for me. I used to have a very healthy libido and sex life — and now it’s nonexistent and affecting my relationship. Is there any hope that my libido will return, now that I’m off the medication? How can I get it back?”
9.“Issquirtingeven possible? My partner keeps going on about how great it would be if I squirted, but I don’t actually even know if it’s possible — and if it is, how to make it happen.”
Pitagora : Yes , it certainly is , though all body are unlike , and it ’s not always possible or even preferred for everyone . Squirting is a type of ejaculation that is often pair off with an orgasm , but sometimes it ’s not . Sometimes orgasms feel differently when they materialize in conjunction with squirting . Typically , those who eject get there by feeling very twist on — however that happen for you — then by stir the G - spot . I advocate doing some exploration by go toKink Academyand doing a search for " force out . "
10.“I’m a straight guy who wants to experience anal play. How do I go about that?”
Pitagora : The first matter to do is get used to talk about your desires and preferences , then tell your partner about it , and speak about how you might collaborate to make it pleasurable for both of you . If you ’ve never had centripetal anal retentive sexual activity , it ’s a ripe approximation to masturbate with anal toy so you could get used to the sensation ( think of to use tidy sum of lube ! ) .
If it ’s your first prison term , ask your married person to go very tardily ; spend a peck of clock time getting awaken first — however that happen for you ; use lots of lube ; stimulate the anal opening ; and bug out with one or two well - lubed fingers ( gloved hand often feel better ) , then slowly lead off with a smaller toy . It does n’t call for to injure ( unless you need it to ) , so if it does , slow down , apply more lube , and a smaller toy dog , or go back to fingers .
11.“I’m 35 years old and just started therapy after dealing with the death of the person who molested me when I was a child. Do you have any tips for how to have more sex in a healthy, consensual way?”
Skyler : For this publication , I think an effective healer can go a long way . I would even get hold a healer who speciate in sexual harm . Being molested as a nestling is a great stack . This is an enormous violation that can often be accompanied by a swell deal of physical and emotional pain . For some survivors , it can be even more complicated by the fact that the act of sexual impinging felt enjoyable , even though it was an absolute violation . Either scenario can shut out down our sexuality .
You are already on the path to tame sizable sexuality , since you have put that intention out to the world . Finding a partner who empathise your motive to go slow and hesitate during sexual activity at times when you might be trigger off is also helpful . Many survivors say yes to sex or sure sexual activities from a place of equivocalness . Rather than have equivocal consent , it ’s key to understand your motive and desires , as well as your boundaries . Almost as significantly , being able to sound your desiresandboundaries will help you reach the pleasurable and consensual sexual practice you desire .
in conclusion , I would see reading some books to help you on your journeying , such asThe Body Keeps the ScoreandVictims No Longer .
12.“Is it normal for penetrative sex to sometimes feel overwhelming? Not necessarily painful, but more like overstimulation.”
Pitagora : establish the huge compass of sensation the body is capable of , I try not to habituate the word " normal " to name any variety of sex . The majority of hoi polloi think penetrative vaginal sex to be " normal , " but if it ’s consuming and not gratifying , it might not be idealistic for you . It does n’t necessarily mean anything is improper with you , either .
Luckily , there are so many other ways to have gender that you might enjoy more . I would focus onexploring the sort of sexuality that finger best to you and do more of that . If you really want to betroth in penetrative sexual activity , masturbate with low toy to see if that feels better , and/or postulate your partner to go slow , and research to see whether certain areas and movements feel salutary than others . Andit ’s almost always a good idea to apply more lube !
13.“How do you know if you are asexual or just have a fear of intimacy?”
Skyler : This is a very tricky question . I think it ’s potential to be nonsexual without fear of intimacy , and/or be nonsexual found on a awe of intimacy . Everyone has a different history and sympathy of their sexuality . Many hoi polloi on the asexual spectrum have happy marriages that have specify to no sex involved . For these people , their asexual orientation is not about a fear of involvement but , rather , a want of arousal and sexual interest .
That said , there are asexual individuals who have live a difficult puerility whereby intimacy was quite unsafe or inaccessible — either because there was neglect , abuse , or both . Some people grow up only make love and see relationship as serious , versus the possibility of a relationship being a safe haven . As they come forth into maturity , it is common to protect against feel vulnerable in a relationship . There are many ways multitude guard against vulnerability and intimacy , with avoidance of sex being one of many strategies .
14.“Though physically it feels good, I can’t climax with my partner, two years into our relationship. We are a female-male heterosexual relationship, but we both identify as queer and bisexual, respectively.”
Pitagora : I really try not to make assumptions about sexuality , but pay the lack of explicit interrogation here , I ’ll usurp there ’s some sort of unsolicited question about orgasms . It could be that you ’re wondering why you ’re not orgasming , should you be upset about it , or is there something you may do to orgasm — along those lines . The first thing I ’ll say is that we ’re all socialized to believe that orgasm are the end of sexuality , sort of like punctuation mark that let us make love sex is finish . And this is altogether incorrect , in my book .
Sex should be about pleasance , in whatever shape you experience it , and as you ’ve been experiencing , you could find pleasance without having an sexual climax . It may be possible to have an orgasm with a lot of communication about what feel good and geographic expedition with your better half , but before any of that happens , the atmospheric pressure you ’re in all probability feel about having an orgasm needs to be released . The more insistence you feel to orgasm , the less likely it will happen . A ripe place to start out is to give yourself permission to experience pleasure without include orgasm as a goal , and see what happens .
15.“I am 35 and going through a divorce. I’ve been with only my (soon-to-be-ex) husband for over a decade. There’s a lot we didn’t do that I want to explore now, such as kinks and even certain foreplay activities. I am so insecure about being my age with no clue what I’m doing. Google can only get you so far. How do I explore these things so I feel somewhat prepared for the actual acts?”
