" ample folks I dog sit for have switched to Hulu with ads . The recess is here , dear . "
2023 is almost over, but there have been tons and tons of hilarious jokes from Twitter this year already. Here are some tweets that will have you laughing until 2024.
And follow the story that made you express mirth to make your Twitter feed even intimately !
1.
who ’s throwing a halloween party tmr night and wanna invite me and my homegirls ( we ’re all on parturition control )
2.
I yawned in the ball club last night and my homegirl say “ do n’t make water me off ” 😭
3.
lady in the gym : “ i can take up you right quick!”me : sureher : * stands me in front of her client , spins me around * “ you see how his shank goes in ? he ’s lean”me : pic.twitter.com / r0UHI6voS5
4.
pic.twitter.com/dHzfZLGeSA
5.
Working In Office is soooo degrading why am I biking 3 miles in slacks at 8 am with a jarful of beef lather in my backpack
6.
My OBGYN just forebode me a free feel .. , . ( fancy woman lite ) I got to stop over order this bitch all my business stg 😭 🤣 😭 😔 😔 pic.twitter.com / x3S4Bpx0R3
7.
how it feels to be on public transport with no airpodspic.twitter.com/OSSAaVOfU5
8.
this is so funnypic.twitter.com/kiXb9REYWy
9.
Me during a plot wrench scene after forcing people to keep an eye on a moviepic.twitter.com/cfWxWOHZxu
10.
lowkey " seize him " and " unhand me " were huge for the english spoken communication
11.
Only thing a 26 yr old serviceman can do for you is turn 27https://t.co/ktMGB1eOZa
12.
desperately trying to scrub the nightspot stamp off my hand before work scram me feeling like thispic.twitter.com/R8eQ93LttL
13.
- touch his retire hairline * who did this to u
14.
not even gon na rest , sometimes it ’s fun to advert out with the girlies and bomb the bechdel exam
15.
hey i have great intelligence i called the protection and they ’re position you down today
16.
failed the immersive phishing trial run bc it used a fake tie-in for “ spot bite preferences”pic.twitter.com/QYPCoUmeYO
17.
no cuz having a British bf is a humbling experience i ’ll be have up dramatic play in my head word and start shit and my bf will just say “ what uranium on about ” and I just am like yeah ok lemme shut up
18.
When I was getting onto my train someone pushed me ( normal ) and I by chance step on a ( Russian ? ) ladies groundwork . I apologised extravagantly and sat down . Would you believe that when I was getting off she trampled on both of my invertebrate foot and cry “ like this you did me . ”
19.
damn . everybody getting pregnantpic.twitter.com/V8jNcpNbUN
20.
now that my grandad is dead i can be gaypic.twitter.com/kxLMUhTvEP
21.
i was wondering why my alarm did n’t go off after a drunk night out 🤦 🏽 ♀ ️pic.twitter.com / wpVzHESa4R
22.
craving a three finger combo & i ai n’t talking about canes
23.
Hit the wax penitentiary too hard now I ’m front like this bitchpic.twitter.com/5tnJEuU4IE
24.
nobody : me to my alien : so this is a crunchwrap supreme
25.
pic.twitter.com/lTqyhqB5v1
26.
Not go Trygve Lie I woulda eat his food and gave him a grill cheesehttps://t.co/DyFs4PUmcJ
27.
Bottoms will say “ in my top era ” and it ’s because they have a fissurepic.twitter.com/N0dThFboTr
28.
if anything bad ever hap to me while filming a reality telly show i would simply start sing Taylor Swift at full volume . they ’re never baffle those rights , they ’re never get that footage 💞
29.
pic.twitter.com/qIBhymcSHQ
30.
good morningpic.twitter.com/SgyJTW8F6r
31.
plentiful folks I tail sit for have switched to Hulu with ads . The recess is here dear
32.
pic.twitter.com/Z6jRpDFWDX
33.
grad school is kind of a whole tone below unemployment like what the fuck are uranium doing
34.
when someone drop me home and labour off before i get insidepic.twitter.com/TSXpuU8oXD
35.
friends that stop up on you > > > pic.twitter.com/WQ5T6REjla
36.
a get laid up scary thing about sr. christians is how a plenty of them unfeignedly , profoundly believe their openhanded emotion and firm opinion amount at once from god when they in reality come from confidential information poisoning .
37.
} ^^{%]#]]#???? 💀 💀 💀 pic.twitter.com / r3IgLQZ2Xv
38.
trapping market ai n’t collapsing quick enough for me . I want to be meet mortgages on SHEIN .
39.
when we see barbie my bf was chortle along during the turn where the barbies are distracting the ken w/ Men Things until it stimulate to the barbie who was like “ i just keep all my money in a nest egg account … ” & then he turned to face at me with revulsion in his eyes
40.
elementary school was crazy bc why was everybody bewilder up
41.
when i m in a gap my own chain armour contest and the competition is my mompic.twitter.com/tb7hAN4AaY
42.
i hated u bitches in center school day “ are you gay , do n’t lie ” bitch it ’s 7 am gtf out my face
43.
U can severalize the economy is fucked up cuz it used to be that if u go out a white person u had a pretty good probability of survive boating , now the middling white someone is 2 or even in some cases 3 ppl removed from a gravy boat . Something is not right …..
44.
“ i ’d fix him ” i would n’t . i ’d put him in a small composition board box n shake it very hard
45.
one time i had to take a drug mental testing for work and they called me and were like so you tested positive for amphetamine and cocaine and i was like oh its ok i m prescribed adderall and they were like yea….but the cocaine … .. anyways i did not get the problem 🙏
46.
Dawg I applied to JP Morgan last night and they sent me a rejection letter first thing in the AM . hour work overnight or sumn ? ? ? ? Damn
47.
[ touching his protein powder ] promise you ’ll stop .. for me
48.
The only intellect I put beads on my girl hair is to alarm myself on when she ’s descend so I can cover my snacks 😭
49.
the flight attendant when your bag is too vainglorious to be a carry onpic.twitter.com/121nIKLVA1
50.
“ my man , my man , my serviceman ” is the same thing as cantillate bloody mary or candy man
51.
little girl dinner 🥰 🥰 🥰 pic.twitter.com/B4DJo1uUKJ
52.
i need to smoke a blunt w herpic.twitter.com/WTT2QtxHPH
53.
interpret people wear out Malus pumila watches is so funny like go off ben 10
54.
Have n’t say " Wowzers " for a longsighted time , probably due to sorrow .
55.
broadcast this to my booster at the map when it ’s time to gohttps://t.co/sWR2eEA1cs
56.
pic.twitter.com/xGAL2g9EAq
57.
fateful mirror installment where a girl takes a selfy and she s like what the fuckkkk
58.
pride monthhhhhhpic.twitter.com/mSXTKgeOyD
59.
This is n’t the work of alcoholhttps://t.co/f1FxQdgCFN
60.
Ill amount but is it ok if i wear my default outfit
61.
“ poof joy ” “ queer heartbreak ” “ queer sociality ” how about getting a queer job so you could make some homophile money
62.
Allot of y’ all gone reach 25 and agnize you have n’t done nothing with your life-time but get pregnant & fight . THE LIFE OF A PITBULL
63.
As gay people , it is our right to lie in to straight coworkers when they ask what we did over the weekend .
64.
Knowing how to right tap a MacBook ask at least a superior ’s degree .
65.
got a small too mellow and now i ca n’t watch my movie because i know they ’re all just pretendingpic.twitter.com/3BzJNGtlh1
66.
As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen shaver ’s birthday company that would make Bernie Sanders belt down himself
67.
“ do you get it on excel”no , but i know kindness . i get laid friendship . i know making love . i recognize how to see the world in a grain of sand , and heaven in a wildflower . i eff how to hold Infinity in the laurel wreath of my hand , and eternity in an time of day .
68.
thispic.twitter.com/32TZSYSm8Xhttps://t.co/48vVHtOjHI
69.
I ’m done eating pabulum why me and my full cousin riding around look for me
70.
Five months into 2023 and class of 2020 still speak about hold no prom . HEAL ! ! !
71.
Oh he catch my rump .. pic.twitter.com / COq9TygPoi
72.
I know it smelled crazy in there.pic.twitter.com/2LqbspOYqA
73.
A little girl can curate a mood but it takes a woman to give birth a VIBE
74.
my boyfriend had to redo some of his police school covering bc he contain yes to LGBTQA he thought A stood for friend 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭
75.
me when my mom starts being rude to the person that ’s just seek to do their jobpic.twitter.com/SBkmVQ4VNg
76.
you “ notify anyway ” bitches will burn in hell .
77.
she ’s a 10 but she audibly gasps whenever she hears a one direction song performing while out in world
78.
monthly reminder not to send that schoolbook btw ☠ ️☠️☠️pic.twitter.com/txg4ErGDN4
79.
i be vibing to partition and then think back she ’s babble out about jay z….pic.twitter.com/pLl30GGkSv
80.
The genuine interrogative is , what is survive doing for me???!!!https://t.co / vofUPWdoJi
81.
I am in line at McDonald ’s right now , and I ordered just a Diet Coke and the guy make , in the most monotone voice goes , “ it ’s classic , iconic , known all over the worldly concern . ”
82.
Pll was so good cause they ’d have 18 yr old spencer diffuse a bomb in 5 arcsecond and you would n’t even oppugn it you ’d just be like hm yea she is the bright onepic.twitter.com/e9huuZudjT
83.
Hey thanks so much for pay for me out ! What do you think of me ? Do you think I ’m cool ? Did you care hanging out with me ? Was I fun ?
84.
people would rather TOP a TWINK than STOP and THINK
85.
this is badpic.twitter.com/HhxMopkwie
86.
doxxing people in the 1700s was like “ guards ! ! ! 👉 he sound thataway ! ”
87.
to be jerked is human — to be milked , godlike
88.
tbh this is how i am on go out appspic.twitter.com/QYjHtOAMLL
89.
My ( 27F ) boyfriend ( 28 M ) wo n’t stop saying he ’s “ microdosing pants ” whenever he wear shorts
90.
at what breaker point do we start blaming the homie and NOT the hopper ? 😕
91.
this is hilarious they said just grinning and werk boys
92.
One 24-hour interval , a guy plump onto my IG and liked ALL my photos . I then DMed him saying “ instead of doing all that , why do n’t you just DM me and tell me you care me ? ” . He responded by saying “ I do n’t wish you , I just like your content . ” And proceeded to block me .
93.
military personnel do shrooms once and discover the same thing 13 year old daughter have get wind alone in their bedrooms
94.
Let ’s gooooo is the manful equivalent of slay
95.
watched category guy last night and why did they make this one background character so cunty
96.
“ She ’s just a friend ” SHE play along YOU ON SPOTIFY ? ?
97.
After 3 shots it ’s my natal day too tf
98.
99.
Love how you all are pretermit your 23 year old self . I was 23 last year and I would fritter her with a artillery
100.
A yt world came up to me at the bar and sound out “ the path you fucked them chicken wings up was crazy ”
101.
‘ utterly no worries if not ! ’ i have fucking tears in my eyes and i ’m wry heave
102.
If I call my apartment my " house " and you even up me , you a hater fr 😭
103.
104.
i do n’t care when the sess smell out too unattackable i m still a LADY
105.
How men look at you when you remind them they have a girl .
106.
“ It ’s not that bass ” I ’ll stamp out you with my bare hand
107.
me high as nookie at the botanical garden
108.
seeing citizenry ’s 2022 letterboxd stats having over 600 pic logged
109.
completely ravage another day of the minuscule time I have on earth
110.
NO MY CRANBERRY SAUCE 😭 😭
111.
took an edible and did an integral stern loading of laundry without detergent
112.
me pull in my dress are still in the washing machine
113.
Y’all when you hit “ notify anyway ”
114.
hey ! those are actually bananas . hope this helps ❤ ️ https://t.co/3qbPujJqHb
115.
how do u as a gen z - er even start smoking butt . the y2k esthetic was never that serious
116.
i sometimes reckon ab this tiktok where the girl said „ if an influencer gatekeeps her clothes i will gloss ‚ it‘s shein ‘ under her post to force her to even off me “ and it ’s still genius
117.
I am CRYING my roommate brought over a circumspect hookup and was like “ this is encampment ” excuse something and the guy is like what is pack and he says “ it ’s like when … . when you … dress as a hamburger … for example ” I ’m CRYING like hearing this convo is so funny .
118.
119.
start a movie after 10 autopsy
120.
I have a earpiece consultation today and someone tell me to “ just be myself ” so I ’m not going to suffice the call
121.
“ goat ” is straight adult male ’s path of saying mother
122.
white ppl snap when they tell “ I do n’t give a rat ’s derriere ”
123.
At dejeuner with my team , we get our checks and Togolese Republic boxes , one of my team members says to the waitress “ Thank you ma’am nasty the food for thought was scrumptious ” she looked at us and said “ It ’s LaDynasty ” I ’m in here cry . Why would he recall her name was Lady Nasty ?
124.
Me in my own way express mirth at my own jokes cuz I ’m hilarious
125.
when my lima noggin surgical operation is a sucesss
126.
hookup started giving himself a hitch around my flat after we finished and asked how much my rent was … please get out my firm 😭
127.
me to my florists' chrysanthemum when she hear to be my friend after she just did too much …
128.
when i was a kid i used to guess grownup were being patronizing when they say damn like " you ’re amaze so big ! " but now i ’m in my thirties and i have a stack more friend who have kids and let me differentiate you something those fuckers are gettin bigger than hell
129.
And then there were 4
130.
me staring at my reflection in every mirror i come across
131.
When the water bottle pop in the middle of the night
132.
133.
whoever told netflix that part 1 and 2 was a skillful idea for goggle box shows should get fired
134.
Me trying to get 8 hrs of sleep in just 3 hr
135.
" summertime is better than wintertime "
The summertime :
136.
World War II Home Front Museum , St. Simons , Georgia
137.
They just asked me to make an excel papers at work , omg they ’re onto me 😭
138.
i can not fuck it we ball for much longer
139.
140.
nothing worse than introducing someone to your preferred composition of media only for them to end up liking it a bit too much . like back up a mo ..
141.
So I jump on the goggle box in my room by myself 3 days ago and today it fell off the wall🥹
142.
Are you guys doing a bit or do you fr like diet coke that much
143.
if benadryl bad why pink
144.
teacher : “ your mom is here you have a doctor assignment ”
middle school me :
145.
Guy who thinks bipoc tolerate for bisexual person of color
146.
rhinoplasty , sassing filler , cheek implants , chin implant , jaw shave , hilltop bone diminution , buccal fat removal , botox and eye cosmetic surgery , cutis bleaching
147.
they need to show this clip in act schools
148.
I gasp like I was in a gay slasher movie .
149.
150.
i be lying to uber drivers suppose “ right on here is perfect ” get laid damn well i ai n’t never been to this location nor do i know where the hell i am at
151.
me dying as fck walking past a radical of teenage boys https://t.co/XLRzb6cZys
152.
this took 15 mo to load and was worth the delay
153.
154.
former 2000s movies were like “ this is a eminent school sophomore ”
155.
“ Are you vers ? ”
Idk , sometimes .
156.
everything feel like over sharing these days . I could be writing something like “ I ’m hungry ” then delete cause nobody needs to know that
157.
“ hung4hung ” you hoi polloi are so selfish ..
158.
when u make an apology not to go out & amp ; they arrive up with a solvent
159.
me : * telling what i think is a hilarious news report from my childhood *
admirer : i ’m so sorry that fall out to you
160.
- there is gay porn in the search locomotive engine on the family computer
13yr old me :
161.
Has anybody else find appetiser and entrees are the same damned price ? ? ?
