" Men tend to suppose they ’ll be ' swimming in womanhood . ' "
Recently, Reddit useru/portia_tvasked the community, “What do peopleget wrong about polyamory, and what are the most annoying stereotypes?”
Welp, poly folks didn’t holdanythingback, and set the record straight about a thing or two. They clarified what really goes down in polyamorous relationships, and shut down all of the misconceptions folks in monogamous relationships have.
So here are some deeply frustrating stereotypes and misconceptions about polyamorous relationships:
Note : Not all stories below reflect every polyamorous kinship . Everyone ’s experience is dissimilar .
1.“Many people think it’s all orgies and threesomes. It’s actually mostly scheduling and debriefing.”
— u / They_them - ing
" As far as preparation , it kind of depends on the character of human relationship . Loosely , you’re able to let on polyamory down into ' hierarchic ' and ' nonhierarchical . ' ' Hierarchical ' polyamory is where sure relationships are the principal ones and others are n’t . Like , if a married couple resolve to bug out dating outside the marriage , this almost always stop up being ' hierarchical . ' The marriage ceremony gets priority over everything else . In these case , programing is n’t as much of a headache because when something total up for the independent family relationship , there ’s no inquiry that it ’s the one go on the schedule .
" Conversely , in ' nonhierarchic ' polyamory ( which can admit marriages , for the record ) , no kinship is supposed to be ' the main one . ' This means you necessitate to poise the need of everyone involved with the agenda , and that definitely can get messy . It does n’t of necessity mean dividing the hours in the week up into adequate portions , either , because different people need different amount of money of time and different types of attending . So part of the complexness comes in everyone being honorable about their needs .
" So accomplishment at preparation may or may not be essential , but communicating is always essential . But then , that ’s on-key of any successful relationship , no matter how many multitude are involved . "
— u / tenehemia
2.“A lot of people seem to think all polyamorous relationships are group relationships — that’s actually the rarer configuration.”
— u / maddallena
" This is honestly the most common misconception I see , that some form of ' three - way marriage ' is ordinarily a guy and two bi women . That ’s not the most rough-cut kind at all . In my experience , the most common is institutionalize couples who live together and have their own individual mate and dates on the side , follow by ' solo poly ' folks who have multiple cooperator but no principal live - in . "
— uracil / listenyall
3.“That the guy never gets laid, and the woman gets laid constantly (to be fair, this often happens in the first month or two). The outcome I’ve seen is female early success and male long-term success. It’s not hard to find a guy who wants to have sex, but it is hard to find one who’s good at it (and is available for a long-term relationship). I’ve actually known poly relationships where the woman struggles in the long run and the man finds a stable, happy relationship within a few months. Of course, this is just a tendency — doesn’t always happen.”
— uranium / forfilthystuff
4.“I think the main misconception, even when sometimes it’s meant well, is about jealousy. The stereotype is in either direction. Charitably, it’s that jealousy never happens and everyone in a poly relationship never experienced it because they’re always fucking. Least charitably, it’s that strong jealousy is always occurring in poly relationships and they inevitably break up into monogamous relationships (as those in it inherently get possessive and exclusive). The truth is that in solid ones, it still comes up on occasion but gets addressed and worked out. A big indicator of whether poly relationships (alongside relationships in general) work out is communication, and speaking honestly about boundaries and feelings.”
— u / DerpytheH
5.“That it means all of our relationships are casual and/or we’re always looking for casual relationships or hookups. I’ve had people try to ask me out, and when I mentioned I was poly, their response was along the lines of, ‘Oh, that’s fine — I’m dating around too. I’m not looking for anything serious anyways.’ I’m like, ‘OK, well, I am not dating around at all. I’ve been with my current partners for years and am exclusively interested in pursuing long-term relationships, so this isn’t gonna work out.”
— u / begaydoscience
6.“There seems to be this attitude among some people that if you are in a monogamous relationship with mostly ‘vanilla sex,’ then you’re not very sophisticated. That all the real experts in sex who really know what they’re doing are into polyamory and BDSM and all sorts of ‘weird’ positions. As if the vanilla-sex havers are like the high school grads of sex, and the polyamorous BDSM people are the PhDs.”
— u / NUMBERS2357
7.“Any single poly relationship that ends will always be used by someone as ‘proof’ that poly doesn’t work.”
— u / brianfos
8.“What do people get wrong?That it’s fun— IMO, it’s not that fun.”
— uracil / yellowtulip4u
" It ’s a stack of work , like every other relationship moral force . frankly , even more so , because there are more hoi polloi involved . So if one person is stressing , other partners might be sham too . At least that ’s my experience . "
— u / portia_tv
9.“That polyamorous relationships inherently aren’t as ‘serious’ as monogamous ones. I’ve had a lot more success dating in poly circles because I fall for people slowly and need time and patience from my partners. This is also due to having a lot of work and study commitments. When I’m not the only person my partner is dating, it allows them flexibility to have their needs met from others when I don’t have the time to do so. I’ve found that a lot of poly people are bisexual as well and are able to explore that a lot more freely.”
" I think the most true touch sensation of security measures comes from the concept that my partners can ( and do ) see other hoi polloi and enjoy doing so , and that they also pick out again and again to include me in their living . "
— u / Jaded_Weather3956
10.“They assume that it’s carte blanche to cheat, or that poly folks are incapable of being faithful. In truth, it’s a lot of communication — more than a ‘typical’ relationship. It generally has a lot of rules as to what does or does not constitute cheating. It can mean that anything over the clothes is okay, that you don’t date apart, or that everyone is equally involved (this is called a polycule).”
" A very common one is that the relationship is ' hierarchical , ' with a elementary better half they dwell with and ' playmate ' they casually go steady . What constitutes a secondary partner in all likelihood in all likelihood has its own set of rules , but most unremarkably it ’s no strings attach or friend with benefits . "
— uracil / ClockwerkHart
11.“That it’s a ‘phase’ someone goes through, and it simply isn’t a ‘normal’ variation of a healthy approach to sexuality or romantic relationships.”
— u / sativo8339
12.“That we ask people to try polyamory just because we are. No — it’s not for everyone. You need to have the time, capacity, emotional availability, and EQ skills for a healthy polyamorous relationship. You need to do a lot of work to deprogram monogamous conditioning and learn the ethics of polyamory.”
— u / Cool_Relative7359
13.“Men tend to think they’ll be ‘swimming in women.'”
— atomic number 92 / Gloomy_Living_7532
14.“That people can just ‘try’ polygamy and close back the relationship if they don’t like it. Once the cat’s out of the bag, at least one partner usually wants to stay polygamous.”
15.“That an open relationship is confused with a polygamous one…classic and annoying 🤔.”
— u / waifu - candy777
16.“Not every marriage with a third has a ‘unicorn.’ Throuples exist, and they’re not any less valid than a monogamous couple. The third person isn’t less important within the relationship just because they don’t have the legal paperwork. I get so, so goddamn sick of talking about my exes and having to clarify that wewere not just fucking.”
— uracil / songofassandfiar
17.And finally, “A lot of people have the misconception that polyamory is going to fix your relationship if it’s falling apart. Your relationship will absolutely fall apart if you do that. You should only do it if you’re 100% on the same page and just want a little more than each other. But it’s not as easy as that. There can be lots of unknown feelings after opening the relationship, and if both of you respect each other, you will close the relationship immediately if either party isn’t okay.”
— atomic number 92 / amakurt
Note : Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity .
