" give baby her first bath yesterday , she pooped in the tubful and when i break up her up to wipe her off she pooped on my deal . i keep telling her she ’s not allow to be a comedian , but she ’s clearly not listening . " — @ambercrollo
This has been a tough week for everyone, so here are 26 funny tweets by parents to make your life a little brighter!
Found a measuring tape in my teens john this morning . I ’m gon na dissemble I did n’t .
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
Saw an Amazon hand truck drop a kid off at school day this sunup . Did n’t have intercourse that was an option .
2.
I ( 43F ) just had my son ( 17 M ) differentiate me , " You ’ll never appreciate Nirvana like I do , " when a video of " Smells Like Teen Spirit " came on You Tube . This is in zero parenting manual .
3.
This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a dissimilar mom and I say “ what kind of momma do you want ? ” And he say “ one who wears a pitch-dark cause ” . I think about the ways I ’m break down as a parent a lot but I had n’t even considered that it ’s bc I do n’t have a black suit .
4.
If you ’re thinking of having kids just sleep together my daughter was sob inconsolably the other night because she realized she can never be half weenie / half human
5.
My Logos offered his sister a morsel of his strawberry doughnut , which she accepted and then did not offer him a bite of her chocolate donut , and now he has spent the last hour mumble about scams .
6.
not being a monstrosity i threw enounce skid back , to an evenly quiet but far less devastated : oh ! my shoe !
7.
My child made me an imaginary pizza . I started eating it saying “ mmmm it ’s so good . ”She said , “ You did n’t take it out the box”pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP
8.
It ’s amazing to me that with no breeding tyke can of course cough with maximal germ sprayage
9.
My wife was trying to tell me a quick report and after the umpteenth clip our kids break her she said , “ Nevermind , maybe we can talk again when they ’re grown up , ” and that about sums up being wed with minor .
10.
I have a student w a hearing economic aid & I wear this thing around my neck so that he can hear me talking in his ear . Y’all why I forgot to mute it & I walked outside the class to cuss my man out … . I came back in & the student articulate “ Ms. Figueroa are you okay ? ” 😭
11.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:“It ’s a shirt , but see , it ’s also a napkin ! ”
12.
i was watching monsters inc with my niece and I was like “ just wait for the pratfall they ’re so funny ” and then we watched to the close of the credits and … there were no bloopers . disney+ … you have made a saphead of me for the last time
13.
exhibit my 7 class - erstwhile an Etch - a - sketch and said this is what pa played with growing up and this short holy man asked me if it was a ' caveman iPad ' and I am still in shambles
14.
I view a spider Australian crawl under my tike ’s bed and was too tired to go after it , but that ’s okay , no hold up creature can exist that environment .
15.
Today a kindergartener walk in a line told me , " full job drinking water ! " when he saw me drink water . The line kept moving and every kid after him echoed a standardized comment . “It ’s healthy to fuddle water!““It ’s authoritative to stay high-pitched - dated!“And so on .
16.
Turns out I ’m farm a real New Yorker . My 3.5 year old girl just looked up while eat a apparently white slice of American cheese and said , “ I ’m glad we experience in Brooklyn , dada , no other metropolis has cheese like this . ”
17.
pay baby her first bath yesterday , she pooped in the tub and when i blame her up to wipe her off she pooped on my manus . i keep differentiate her she ’s not grant to be a comic , butt she ’s clearly not listen .
18.
My Logos has a zombie masquerade for Halloween but also would care me to paint his face like a zombi spirit so that when he takes off the mask multitude are like , “ whoa an real zombi . ” Oh also my son is afraid of zombies and does n’t want to look in the mirror or take pictures on Halloween .
19.
Must ’ve miss that part in the parenting record book that enunciate you ’d be digging through last night ’s trash for your son ’s consideration .
20.
girl got her first phone . Here is a list of the things she ’s called me about:-saw a cool hemipteran - made up a fresh birdcall - can we have ribs for dinner party - how do you spell suspicious
21.
like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo ’s Good Book as “ the one where elsa and anna meet a baby European elk ” and she pop off express mirth and was like no it ’s a infant reindeer and now literally every day she goes “ remember you made a misunderstanding and enunciate baby moose ” like can i live
22.
When my parents and my kids FaceTime , my kids wo n’t answer my parents ’ questions so I restate their questions to my kids . Then my parents ca n’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answer to my parent . A nifty time is had by all .
23.
Kids : Can we have cake for breakfast?Wife : perfectly not . Kids : Then why is HE eating bar for breakfast?Me [ mouth full of cake ] : BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
24.
3yo : Why do we have a way just for the toilet and the bath?Me : So multitude can have privacy when they ’re going to the lavatory or necessitate a shower.3yo : Why would someone want that?I think I ’m beginning to translate the radical of much of our disconnect .
25.
My friend and I discuss what seafood we like : Me : I do n’t care lobster or crabMy 3yo , trying to be part of the conversation but has never had mollusc in his life history : I do n’t like … starfish .
26.
I told my 12yr previous she was n’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision . So I hail back and she ’s making crape .
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
28 Hysterical Tweets By parent That send Me To An Early Grave
…or the funniest tweets by parents in September!
I Can not magnify How Wildly Hilarious These 47 tweet By parent Are
