" Do n’t judge me for my tot eating a chicken nugget for lunch . Judge me for not be intimate where the Gallus gallus nugget came from . " — @mommajessiec
For those of you new to the parenting/chaperone game, here’s some good advice for anyone stuck going to children’s birthday parties:
Just FYI if a DJ or tike ’s entertainer tells you to " make some randomness " , never make the most amount of noise you’re able to the first clip , because chance are they ’ll state you that they ca n’t hear you and you ’ll have to make even more noise
And make sure you follow all of these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
Parents- just remember every sentence you swipe confect from your baby after this Halloween it ’s not steal , it ’s giving yourself a competitive wage for services provided
2.
obsess with the stagecoach where preschoolers can spill really well but have n’t figured out what words are commonly used in conversation by kids , right now my 3yo maintain using “ surely ” in every prison term like “ I certainly do bang gummy bear ”
3.
My 3yo : Why do we have to go to other houses for candy ? Why ca n’t we just keep this bowl we have and just view TV?Me : Yeah … why 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 we ? ? ?
4.
girl : do I have to brush?me : of course ! you do n’t want your tooth to come down out , do you?daughter : yes , it ’s how I make money
5.
My 4 - yr - old has a tummyache and before she went to layer she need how you get the egg out of your body , so that ’s how I found out she ’s spent her whole life opine we get tummyeggs when we do n’t experience well .
6.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I ’m finally drop dead to start seeing a return on my investment .
7.
My boy must have a crush on someone . He ’s set about wear off his nicer pajamas to school .
8.
Stages of getting kids ready to leave:1 . We are depart in 15 minutes.2 . We are leaving in 5 minutes.3 . We are go out in 1 minute.4 . Where are your pants ?
9.
My teen is using chopstick to eat Cheetos so she does n’t get Cheeto dust on her finger and can we just fast track her app to Yale now ?
10.
Really exhaust horseshit saying “ I did n’t do it we had a new pup in the building ! ” to my neighbor ’s toddler who was prune up like a Dalmatian . Not even a smile from the Thomas Kid . Rough .
11.
A student asked me if I had a “ fire welder ” he could adopt and I feel like I should warn his parents
12.
Peanut M&Ms are a choke peril , and I take my sincere tariff to remove choking hazards from my small fry ’s vicinity very seriously .
13.
I spent an HOUR trick or treating and I did n’t find drugs in any of my kids ’ candy . I WAS PROMISED DRUGS
14.
learn a rival dada is planning to hand out B. B. King size confect bar for Halloween so now every thaumaturgy or treater that come to my house is getting a full rack of ribs .
15.
14 has somehow dodged take a shower for THREE day . my soul exit my body and my oculus watered when he bosom me goodnight last night .
16.
I ’m sorry we ’re late , my tike insist she was a " beautiful lizard , " and spend 10 moment pulling herself across the storey on her abdomen this aurora before she would put on shoes .
17.
My Thomas Kid amount home from his subject area trip wrap up in paint , escape one sock , and carrying two pumpkins and had the brass to say his field trip was “ fine ”
18.
My 5yo need to know why the neighbors still have their Halloween decorations up , and I did n’t know he was on the HOA control panel
19.
My Logos just have his girl “ adopt ” his hoodie , should I tell apart him .
20.
Thomas Kyd are so funny . there were two lilliputian girls in the lobby of my building this morning and one was endure a princess costume . i was like “ i like your costume ” and the other one straightaway exit “ i ’m eating an apple . ” and i just had to be like “ wow it face really good ”
21.
My Kyd spent the night at his grandparents last Nox and I just found out he had his grannie fry chicken for him at 2 o’clock in the morning 😒
22.
I ’m never more peeved at my kid than when they ’re acting exactly like me .
23.
me : you ca n’t take all that confect to schoolson : then what do I do with it?me : you entrust it hereson : with you ?
24.
Shout out to my 3 - year - old neighbor who went trick - or - treating again last Nox like , THERE IS NO elbow room THIS IS A ONE Nox THING
25.
Do n’t judge me for my toddler eating a poulet nugget for dejeuner . Judge me for not eff where the chicken nugget came from .
26.
We ’re accept family fun fourth dimension now nestling , and we do n’t like it anymore than you do .
27.
ok but why does my 3yo , aka my backseat drive teacher , feel the need to hollo " MOMMY YOU WENT FROUGH A YEWWOW LIGHT " and " MOMMY YOU WENT FROUGH A RED LIGHT " when I am , in fact , quite positive the light source was fleeceable each time . Gaslit by my toddler ? What have I DONE to DESERVE
28.
a haunted home but there ’s a kid in every elbow room who needs help with preparation
29.
My youngest bust me being the tooth fairy and I was sad for about 5 second and then have never felt more free .
30.
A story about 2nd children : The infant was eating Goldfish . My husband guess I was handing the sister Goldfish , I thought he was handing the baby Goldfish , release out the baby was just eat Goldfish she found in the couch .
31.
HELP it turns out she was referring to the pickle on Masked Singer who was unveil to be SPOILER awake Michael Rapaportpic.twitter.com/Ny0rgtLzr8
32.
In 2015 I place a picture of some kick sweat I made on Instagram with the caption , “ beef lather skills on point . ” My kids find it tonight and have been making fun of me nonstop for 3 hours .
33.
Moms be like , “ Your cousin ’s neighbor ’s husband ’s auntie died . Just thought you should know . ”
34.
Now that Halloween is behind us , we move into that golden time of year where vague Santa threats do 90 % of my parenting
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents last week…
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…or the funniest tweets by parents in October!
I Ca n’t barricade Cackling At These 50 parent Who Prove Raising Kids Is 100 % Not For Everyone
