" Overheard my Thomas Kid whisper outside my bedroom threshold and one of them said ' she has n’t had umber yet ' and then they both back away from my threshold and it was quiet again . " — @kristabellerina
It’s somehow November already! Another month gone, another reminder that having kids is the most humbling thing you can ever experience:
show my 7 year - old an Etch - a - sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little holy man expect me if it was a ' caveman iPad ' and I am still in shambles
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1.
My 2yo , Miguel , had taken off his diaper at some point during his pile and when I walked in and encounter it on the floor , he calculate at me and said : “ WHY’D YOU DO THAT , MIGUEL ? ? ? ? ? ”
2.
Me to 8yo daughter : omg why are you like this?!Husband : [ slowly lifts mirror to my nerve ]
3.
Overheard a mama alone with her 3 kids at the pumpkin patch say “ guy we have to go or we will be late to Sky Zone ” , that ’s a lady who is paying the damage to have the best sleep of her life .
4.
My baby made me an imaginary pizza pie . I start deplete it saying “ mmmm it ’s so estimable . ”She say , “ You did n’t take it out the box”pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP
5.
My 7yo has captured Monday energy dead . Today she woke up and say “ mommy do you ever awake up and want to say bad words”All the metre baby girl . All . The . Time .
6.
I ( 43F ) just had my son ( 17 M ) evidence me , " You ’ll never take account Nirvana like I do , " when a video of " Smells Like Teen Spirit " came on You Tube . This is in zero parenting manuals .
7.
like a month ago i refer to one of the 2yo ’s books as “ the one where elsa and anna get together a sister elk ” and she die laughing and was like no it ’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she last “ remember you made a error and say sister moose ” like can i exist
8.
twist out I ’m provoke a real New Yorker . My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white fade of American cheese and say , “ I ’m glad we hold up in Brooklyn , dad , no other city has cheese like this . ”
9.
Today a kindergartner walk in a line told me , " Good task drinking water ! " when he saw me drink water supply . The line kept prompt and every tiddler after him echo a similar input . “It ’s healthy to wassail water!““It ’s authoritative to stay high - dated!“And so on .
10.
me : good morning!7 twelvemonth old : one way to keep a robber from stealing your jewelry is to fill your firm with tnt and when he break in to shoot a line it all up . Oh … but then your jewelry and menage bodge up . Nevermind , that architectural plan wo n’t work . Can I have a waffle ?
11.
My girl make up one’s mind that she wanted to give to tailgating so she made “ peanut butter spoons ” . What are goober butter spoon you may require ? Just spoons with peanut butter on them . They were a big collision .
12.
not being a freak i threw say shoe back , to an equally quiet but far less desolate : oh ! my shoe !
13.
My daughter is colorize at the kitchen table and she called me in and ask me to move this unicorn up the stairs to her bedroom , as she “ call for some quiet sentence away from him.”pic.twitter.com/lnMWESyAff
14.
my 9yo : is n’t it uncanny how turncock has two meanings?me:9 : yeah a cock and … you live … um … like how you cock a gun.me : * wipes sweat from forehead *
15.
Podcasters be like “ Hello Fresh is family friendly . Even my pickiest eater love their spinach salmon truffle mac and Malva sylvestris ” like bitch why you lying .
16.
A kids version of the “ Saw ” pic but they can only miss by eat a sandwich with the crusts on .
17.
Whenever my 3yo says , " Mommy WUVS to have beverage for GROWN - UPS " I finger a balmy stab of rue that we opt this terminus to warn him from constantly asking to try my carbonated water
18.
the “ assemble me in the restroom ” was very onward for a fifth grader but then it makes sensory faculty when you find oneself out she ’s examine to throw hands
19.
girl fix her first phone . Here is a list of the thing she ’s called me about:-saw a cool hemipteron - made up a Modern birdsong - can we have rib for dinner - how do you write mistrustful
20.
give baby her first bath yesterday , she pooped in the tubful and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hired hand . i keep separate her she ’s not allowed to be a comedian , butt she ’s intelligibly not listening .
21.
7 : mom tone I got my math tryout back!me : you got 35 out of 35 that ’s 100 % i m so proud of you!7 : cool , so 35 and 35 is 100?me : … like I said , enunciate proud …
22.
Me : * contain on by my fingernails*My small fry ’s schooling : Next workweek is garb like a trapezoid daylight . Me : But why — School : Also bring six small pumpkins . Me : Ca n’t we just — shoal : The bake sales event get at noon . Me : So avail me , I — schooltime : One word . JOGATHON .
23.
My 3yo come home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the center . I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes , but the teacher did n’t have a chance to address it because then the male child fall out of his chairwoman and broke both his weapon system . timid if lies .
24.
I ’m so proud of my girl for making this dodger all by herself and also I ’m never have sex kip again.pic.twitter.com/2HdoXhhpOF
25.
i was watching devil inc with my niece and I was like “ just expect for the bloopers they ’re so comical ” and then we learn to the end of the credits and … there were no bloopers . disney+ … you have made a fool of me for the last time
26.
My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth prison term our kids interrupted her she say , “ Nevermind , maybe we can mouth again when they ’re grow up , ” and that about sums up being marry with kids .
27.
Teens be like , “ You know that crumble up piece of paper that ’s been on the table all week ? I need it for school . ”
28.
my sister often runs late , so my daddy always say her to arrive 30 mins earlier than she needs to . she caught on to this and set out trying to arrive 30 Min late , but now she simply runs late beyond that . will my dad now set her even in the first place meeting clock time ? this could spiral
29.
overhear my kids whispering outside my sleeping accommodation threshold and one of them state “ she has n’t had coffee yet ” and then they both backed away from my door and it was tranquil again .
30.
My boy are all taking a workweek recess from electronics . This morning I inclose myself to them and showed them around our home . then I took them alfresco and show them the big burnished Christ Within in the sky .
31.
My 5 year former is going to be a enchantress for Halloween . But she does n’t want to have on a hat . No wig , either . The black dress ? Too itchy . Oh , and she ’s not down with unripened make-up . The only part of the costume she likes is the heather . My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween .
32.
My kid keeps asking why we do n’t decorate outside for Halloween and I ’m tempted to corrupt a cluster of posterboard and just save the scariest thing I can retrieve of on it …. like " day care is calling you at study correctly before a big presentation , " or " Check Engine light comes on "
33.
why does he even need shampoo??pic.twitter.com / TaBWwouOZk
34.
My flow was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was , “ I ’m too unseasoned to be pregnant”Let the reader understand ; I ’m weeks aside from 29 and already have two children .
35.
Picked my old up from school an time of day early on , unplanned , with McDonald ’s , because the video game he wanted for his natal day next hebdomad dropped today and I spent all dawn download it and I could n’t wait . He well put me in the * nicest * breast feeding family someday .
36.
Wrote something about a toddler have a scene at a store & a mom commented that bambino should n’t have to endure trips to a storage & that if moms made it fun & lease tantrums would n’t happen . I can only arrogate that this “ mom ’s ” kids are fanciful .
37.
I will always and perpetually be stanchly PRO - BREASTFEEDING.Not because formula is subscript or can not nourish a child as well ( I do not cerebrate this)but for the rice beer of the MOTHERbecause I believe in the SANCTITY of an AIRTIGHT alibi to duck out of ANY give way SOCIAL SITUATION .
38.
kid : daddy follow thisme : okkid : * incomprehensible movementsme : that was — kid : I have n’t finished yet * more puzzling movementsme : kid : * out of breath * Sooner State doneme : that was really great sweetheart
39.
My 4 - year - old does n’t have school on Mondays and she has been talk nonstop for 5 hours , and that ’s why I did n’t even comment that the song she was sing for 15 minutes while we browse Home Goods contained only the lyrics “ If you get run over in the parking lot you will die ”
40.
Update : per teacher feedback she is meeting her developmental milestones & her favourite activity is eating.https://t.co/YMfc9CZ9r0
41.
How do you get a adolescent to cease blab back without also going to prison house for life ?
42.
My daughter write a narration titled “ my mom love Coca Cola ” but did n’t clear up it was the pop and now I ’m nervous for parent - instructor conferences
43.
One of my student was not paying attention tonight . walk around no shoe on all under the table I was like ma’am this is a university 🥴 pic.twitter.com/oX4MQjfHVv
44.
Today , one of my kidskin showed me her to do lean organized by subject and importunity , and my other nestling walk into the wall while seek to interpret a ledger .
45.
When my parents and my Thomas Kid FaceTime , my kidskin wo n’t answer my parents ’ questions so I reiterate their questions to my kids . Then my parent ca n’t understand what my nipper say so I repeat their answer to my parents . A great sentence is had by all .
46.
image an Amazon truck drop a nestling off at school this morning . Did n’t get laid that was an selection .
47.
My 3yo does n’t realize the concept of Halloween decorations and keeps dragging our skeletons inside to play with them . I told him it did n’t make sense to have Halloween decorations inside bc nobody can see them and he say , extremely severely “ they ’re part of our kinsperson . ”
48.
Currently , our only Halloween interior decoration is a pair of homemade jack - atomic number 8 - lantern . We walk past a neighbor ’s 1000 , dump for the holiday , and I said , " Look at the cunning small ghost!““I wike that , " my 3yo say cheerfully . " And I wike the wittle wraith we have at our home , too . " 💀
49.
Child : I ca n’t wait to be an adult . Me [ shaving my ears ] : Yeah it ’s groovy .
50.
I told my 12yr old she was n’t allow to make pancakes without supervising . So I come back and she ’s making crepes .
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
32 Hysterical Parents Who nip Through Another LooOOOoooOOong workweek Of parentage
…or the funniest tweets by parents in September!
I Can not hyperbolise How Wildly Hilarious These 47 tweet By parent Are
