" I had day surgical operation today ( nothing big ) and they were like ' do n’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them . ' But I had to go grocery store shopping . Later Morgan was like ' you buy … so much , like a lot , of cheese . ' " — @beatonna
In case anyone was wondering how I find tweets for these roundups, this is exactly what I do every day from dawn to dusk:
yeh i ’ll get up soon i just want to look at the internet first . yes the whole thing
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
i mean if u have a really fucked up dream you should be allow for to call off study . i just watched my female parent get round by a tiger and you carry me to hop on a zoom meeting rn
2.
if a cleaning woman state you you have “ nice hands ” she is doing everything in her power not to bonk you senseless please release her from her torment her champion are take in the kinds of messages someone in prison would send
3.
I call my doctors part originally today to make an naming & when the receptionist answered the phone without believe I went “ Hi my name is Brenna Smith and I ’m a reporter with The Baltimore Banner ” & she just go “ Ok . effective for you . ”Journalism has smash me 😂 😂 😂
4.
god sanctify america bc you know this is n’t happening on a lawn in francehttps://t.co/tvAlcVXE6O
5.
the sofa is for being so exhausted and informal you ca n’t possibly keep your middle undefended . the bed is for laying spacious alive tossing and move around in the throe of an existential crisis until the sun comes up
6.
my job ? nfl team graphic designer . my mission ? to make a bird look as mean as possible
7.
yesterday I was trying to eat tuna out of a can and the cats VERY clearly trust it was cat nutrient and I was so low . they were n’t even begging they just look on me take this can to my bed like beef you are lost
8.
Heavy sigh . I was talking to a coworker last workweek , and she got a speech sound call that transferred to her top-notch - coolheaded watch . She pointed to her wrist joint and enjoin , " Sorry , my son is calling!“I say , " Wow ! Like Dick Tracy!“Today I am explaining to my manager why I called her a " Dick " .
9.
Remember when we were like “ Stop toss off black people ” and someone was like we ’ll change “ victor chamber ” to “ master bedroom ? ”
10.
boys reckon about the Roman Empire girl think aboutpic.twitter.com/CVcqeTyC2q
11.
Damn , this keeps happeninghttps://t.co/7i3aDOibjF
12.
countenance me get this straight economic crisis / anxiety / adhd / chronic sickness will make me not have the energy to take care of myself , but the only room for me to palpate well is to take concern of myself ? what a scam
13.
A high - value man has 5,000 a yr and a house in town . A man of aftermath has 10,000 a class , beautiful grounds at Pemberley , and a flawless hold for quick wit and o.k. eyes.https://t.co/2erzEqON1X
14.
We shoulda rioted when Dollar Tree added that quarter . That was the beginning of the end .
15.
My best-loved Halloween merch is skeletons of things that have no bones.pic.twitter.com/woehfvggPe
16.
The pipe fitter just whispered “ sonofabitch ” so I ’m thinking he might be here awhile .
17.
what is going on when you get a marketing email from a position you have n’t been to in age but also has not emailed you since . did they find your email down the back of the couch cushions or something
18.
I still ca n’t get over the fact that the Vatican tried to ask over Hozier to execute Take Me To Church 💀 Imagine call for your # 1 hater to blab out his chart - top hate song ABOUT YOU ? ? ? 💀 😭 😭 😭
19.
i love when apple is like " we are going to instal update tonight when you are slumber " and when you wake up they ’re just like " could n’t do it ! you sleep uncanny and we could n’t do it ! "
20.
“ you require to sign for your minimal brain dysfunction medication because it ’s exceedingly addictive , ” allege my pill pusher before handing over a prescription medicine I need to prepare at least six telephone alarms to think back to take
21.
brb off to do a ufo hearing for congresspic.twitter.com/l7OP2iXE8f
22.
my baby had life insurance which it has absolutely never occurred to me to get so I require my parents if I should and they were like no sweetie you ’re dissimilar
23.
I had Clarence Day surgical operation today ( nothing big ) and they were like " do n’t make any authoritative decision in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them . " But I had to go grocery shopping . Later Morgan was like " you bought … so much , like a sight , of cheese . "
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by women last week…
You ’ll Literally Lose Your Mind Laughing At These 23 Hysterical Tweets By Women
…or the funniest tweets by women in August!
These 50 Hilarious Tweets By Women make for The earth So Much Joy Last Month , And Elon Can Never Take That aside From Us
