" fresh rejection level unsecured : ' we are grateful for the assurance you have demonstrated in sending your work ' " — @fklein907

Life is really tough right now. Thankfully,Britney Spearssaw all the chaos in the world and decided she, alone, could fix it with herupcoming memoir.

Me : I CAN’T look FOR TUESDAYHusband : Our 9 - class wedding anniversary!Me : … exactly.pic.twitter.com/XYgmkXB7Ew

Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!

1.

Someone ask to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to go forth the tabular array because they have a confluence ? ? ? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld ? ?

2.

forge In Office is soooo degrading why am I bike 3 miles in slacks at 8 am with a jar of beef lather in my haversack

3.

abuse out to the lady at the gymnasium who just yelled into her earpiece ‘ THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY life story IS YOU BRIAN ’ ; hung up and went mightily back to her workout

4.

obsess with this charwoman on my flight who ’s attempt to commandeer an entire overhead compartment for “ her hat ”

5.

I truly feel Ben Affleck is the mascot and spokesperson for those of us who are Perpetually Botheredpic.twitter.com/EUpTeCuPtt

6.

If I was a Care Bear , I ’d have ibuprofen on my belly .

7.

I love how Dyson ’s whole thing is just Air . Like yeah we make the thing that nurse it in with the dust . And also the things that fuck up it out for your hair . And also for your men in the public toilet facility . Fuck with me

8.

married man : You need to turn back expend so much money on shirt for the dog . Me : Fine . You go tell Oliver we have to return his Dave Growl presents , the Fur Fighters T - shirt .

9.

A haunted house but you have to choose between a room full of hoi polloi you eff shouting “ when will you settle down ? when are you getting engaged ? when will you have a babe ? ” or a way full of slayer bees

10.

newfangled rejection layer unbolted : “ we are grateful for the confidence you have demonstrated in sending your oeuvre ”

11.

this box has been sitting in my hall for * six week * and my hubby has not ask me what it is , why I have n’t opened it , or if I should ever plan on move it and this is what it ’s like when both better half have ADHD.pic.twitter.com/NMB0ZJQlku

12.

There should be labour - thru karaoke . Like I pull up , give the guy $ 5 , he lets me into a soundproof way where I sing I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston with so much Passion of Christ my vocal chord snap apart like old rubber bands , then I quietly get back in the railroad car and head abode

13.

If i was a little girl cat and i reckon a boy cat get the zoomies that would be such an ick

14.

Recently found out that one of the big incely accounts on here that sells guide to American guy wire on how to be alphas is actually ran by 2 women in India and idk why that ’s so damn comic

15.

my favourite Halifax fun fact is that the stain here is so acidic that it dissolves the bones of the citizenry we bury here . all the burying ground in the city are fundamentally just dirt field with monuments for people who have been eaten by the earthly concern . sweet dreams , everyone .

16.

because of my job , i am oft at a coffee bar with my laptop brightness turned up to 100 googling things like " male ejaculation determination fashioning study "

17.

thanks to my doc i now bonk my number one take is “ transgender person”pic.twitter.com/Y1tPr4hBZ6

18.

This kid at my in high spirits school weirdly get laughing during an annunciation by a student raise money for " subspecies for the Cure . " And he had to explain to a teacher that he was laughing because he visualise a charity race for The Cure . I recall about this OFTEN .

19.

in person , if i had a hammer , i ’d hammer in the mid to late good afternoon

20.

It is annoying that as soon as a adult female twist 30 , citizenry start reminding her perpetually about her biologic clock , but I do appreciate the reminder that women ’s time is , indeed , much more valuable than man ’s is

21.

There was a guy at the set last night who was hooting and hollering and filming the entire thing . As the opener I ’m like this is likely just a drunk fan of the headliners . Come to find out it was my in high spirits SCHOOL DRUG DEALER who came out to sustain .. king I will always think of uranium

22.

Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I do n’t like that everyone use stencils to carve their pumpkin now . Jack - o - lanterns are presuppose to be exceedingly unimpressive . You should have a vision in your header and then not be able to execute it . That ’s what Halloween is all about .

Don’t miss the funniest tweets by women last week:

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…or the funniest tweets by women in September!

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