" From a previous relationship , this was how I have a go at it something forged was about to happen . "
note : The below story discusses abuse .
Abuse can have wide-ranging effects and consequences.
These effects and others were discussed in a recent Redditthreadby those who have been there. In order to bring awareness to the varying ways someone may be impacted by abuse, we wanted to highlight their experiences — as well as provide further resources, which you can find at the bottom of this post.
1.“I used to be in an abusive relationship, and one thing I notice about myself is always needing reassurance that my partner is not mad at me. When being abused, you learn to read your abuser’s moods. It has made me become increasingly over-analytical about everyone’s moods.”
2.“If they shut down when their partner gets angry. I’m talking normal-level anger, not unhealthy anger. They’re so used to being yelled at, belittled, or in trouble that even small arguments will put them into survival mode. They’re constantly apologizing or assuming they have done something wrong. They have trouble making decisions for fear of making the wrong one. And have a startled reflex. If your partner jumps at noises a lot, that’s a definite sign.”
— atomic number 92 / Sooner State - Wind-666
" It ’s taken me years to surmount reacting to a slammed door or my partner coming into the room quickly . From a old family relationship , this was how I recognise something bad was about to happen . I can finger my fight - or - flight response activate . It ’s still there , but I ’ve managed to tranquillize down the strong-arm reaction I had to it . "
— uranium / LemonInner8187
3.“Flinch away from hugs, cry when shown minimum kindness, never sleep while you’re awake, can quote what you said days ago word for word.”
4.“Difficulty in voicing their opinion or viewpoint (although there can be other sources).”
— u / ShadowG4rd3n
" It also gives you ' plausible deniability ' if you ’re not the one choosing .
instance : I chose a eatery for us to go to . If something goes wrong ( i.e. water spills , waitstaff sucks , food takes too long ) , it ’s my fault by proxy , because my selection have us to be in that place in the first position . If you choose , then I ca n’t be blame . Plausible deniability . Never choosing makes that soul finger ' safe . ' "
— atomic number 92 / Annonymous_97
5.“There are many forms of abuse, andfinancial abuseis usually one of the many forms abusers use to control. In my case, my abuser began by asking for money and saying he would pay it back, then gradually began to take over control of all of my accounts, saying it would just be easier for him to handle the finances since we were in his home country, and I didn’t have much of a grasp of the language yet. Eventually, all paychecks were directly deposited to accounts under his control. If he found out I got cash from something, he would threaten me with harm if I didn’t give it to him. He refused to let me buy a plane ticket home to see my family.”
6.“As the person from the abusive relationship, I can embarrassingly say, becoming the abuser. Not physical in any way and never intentional, but I say mean things. They just come out. I bring up everything he’s ever done wrong, and I just cannot communicate properly. I hate it and am trying everything to fix it. I’m reading books, watching videos, reading pamphlets, watching TED talks, and going to counseling. Things get better for a while, but then I slide back into my brooding isolation.”
— uracil / Mrs_Emmons
7.“Over-explaining in great detail. He’d call me a liar, and the gaslighting from him (as I now know it to be) was horrific. I would try to include every detail I could remember to prove I wasn’t lying — eg: If I was at a friend’s house, he’d say I was probably there with other men, and we’d all be having sex, so I’d describe the entire evening down to what people were wearing and where they sat and at what time they had a drink or snack or whatever — irrelevant stuff, but stuff I thought would prove I’m not a liar. It’s something I still do 20 years later.”
8.“I find that instead of having no boundaries like before, I’m way too rigid with my boundaries now. I get withdrawn, too.”
— atomic number 92 / ciestaconquistador
" I fight with this , too . It ’s all about widening the pause / windowpane between trigger and reaction . It ’s HARD . I ’ve been working on this for years and have made some good strides , but pick out that suspension sometimes seems impossible , specially in moments of comprehend abandonment . "
— u / the_fancy
9.“They don’t ask for help with anything. Ever.”
10.“Instead of asking my man when he is visibly annoyed, I stay quiet. I’m guessing it has to do with not wanting to give him a reason to direct his annoyance/anger toward me. Even though he wouldn’t.”
— u / PaleAsFuck90
11.“Always trying to figure out the hidden meaning of normal direct conversations.”
12.“Fawning is a solid clue.”
— u / Amiiboid
" Fawningis one of the four F ’s of harm response , and the most problematic and misunderstood in a lot of shipway : combat , flight , freeze , dun .
The first three are relatively ego - explanatory but bootlick typically resolution from inveterate severe childhood contumely . Basically , at the hint of any kind of touch off / scurrilous situation , the individual becomes totally compliant in a subservient manner intended to forbid them from accidentally antagonizing the abuser inanyway , so as to downplay the amount of harm they are about to invite .
From the exterior , this can look like compliance , consent , or even enthusiasm on the victim ’s part , but at bottom , the person is NOT okay with the situation . It ’s by far the most crappy trauma reaction to sort out out and deal with as it ’s the one most prostrate to a lifetime of being take vantage of and a changeless misunderstanding of boundaries . "
— u / nezroy
13.“Clothes. I was not allowed to wear leggings, tight skinny jeans, or crop tops/baby tops. So I’m finally just, after nine years away from this person, figuring out my own style.”
14.“Something that’s been really hard is intimacy. My last boyfriend was only nice immediately after sex. So if my current fiancé and I go more than a few days without any amount of intimacy, I notice myself sort of withdrawing emotionally and waiting for whatever fight/anger is coming.”
— uracil / darcieiscool
15.“Dissociation when overwhelmed, not feeling comfortable at home, strained relationships with family and friends, or breakdowns when things are out of place (could be OCD as well).”
16.“Waiting for your opinion before voicing their own. Unwarranted bouts of aggression at themselves or sometimes others.”
— uracil / Zetta216
17.“Extremely reluctant to share bad news, especially if it will inconvenience the partner. I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for 20 years, but I had a panic attack before telling my absolutely mellow and loving husband that I’d need to borrow some money.”
TheNational Alliance on Mental Illnesshelpline is 1 - 888 - 950 - 6264 ( NAMI ) and provides information and referral services;GoodTherapy.orgis an connection of mental health master from more than 25 countries who support efforts to subdue scathe in therapy .
If you or someone you fuck has feel sexual ravishment , you’re able to call theNational Sexual Assault Hotlineat 1 - 800 - 656 - Bob Hope ( 4673 ) , which routes the caller-out to their nigh sexual assault armed service provider . you could also look for your local centerhere .
If you or someone you know is in immediate risk as a result of domesticated wildness , call 911 . For anon. , secret assist , you’re able to call the 24/7National Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1 - 800 - 799 - 7233 ( SAFE ) or chaffer with an advocate via the website .
