" I do n’t jazz how to do this ! "
Nicki Minajspoke vulnerably about life as a first-time mom and learning that parenting is not a monolithic experience.
Nicki isVogue’s December issuecover star, and she opened up about giving birth and experiencing mom guilt for taking time away from her son to work on music.
Nicki Minajwelcomedher now-3-year-old son with her husbandKenneth Pettyon Sept. 30, 2020. Although thePink Friday 2rapper has never revealed her son’s name, she playfully calls him"Papa Bear."
Nicki revealed that she subconsciously believed becoming a mother would be an escape where she could take a step away from music and just focus on her family.
“I think that deep down inside, I believed that once I had a family, I would just lose the desire to make music,” Nicki toldVogue. “I would always tell people, ‘Watch, when I have a child, I’m going to cook every meal for him and bake cookies every day.’"
“Maybe subconsciously I hoped my focus would just be on being a mother, and I looked forward to that idea. It felt like a relief. But what happens is that you find out you have to work.”
Nicki says she decided early on to navigate her son’s infancy with minimal help from family and friends. Along with being exhausted, Nicki realized that at some points, she had no idea what she was doing…and that that was okay.
“There’s no such thing as confidence in parenthood. I kind of wish that someone had told me — although I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to understand it.”
“There’s a level of anxiety, and you think it’s going to go away, but in fact, it gets scarier. So often you think: ‘I don’t know how to do this!'”
Despite her patience being tested from time to time during her motherhood journey, Nicki tries to remind herself that she’s doing a good job, including when she felt guilty for working.
“If I’m going to have mom guilt regardless [of whether I’m working or not], I might as well continue doing the only thing I know how to freaking do, which is make music.”
Motherhood looks great on you, Nicki! Glad you’re learning so much about yourself throughout your journey!
To watch more about Nicki , be sure to check out her fullVogueinterview .
