" to do lists are so fun . it ’s just ' drink water system ' and ' read ' followed by a list of everything i ’ve ever wanted to achieve since i was 7 " — @_chase _ _ _ _ _
October is behind us, which means you have a few more days to wear your favorite jean jacket before temperatures plummet. Use them wisely!
Hurry ! You will only have these 2 workweek to wear jackets that do nothing
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
When you arrest the furniture site and the home page aver " We are the tellers of a history not ordinarily told " and it ’s like okay I guess they ’re not doing a sale
2.
bill nye ’s full name is william new years eventide
3.
on a regular basis haunted by my own hubris - prove to define my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “ really like bikes . ” Anyways , it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France
4.
Just sell this cd to an elderly charwoman who immediately asked for scissors , clip the taper off , then giggled her way out of the storage 😂 pic.twitter.com/ZGtkHj7m9q
5.
If i was a girlfriend cat-o'-nine-tails and i saw a male child cat get the zoomies that would be such an ick
6.
I love how Dyson ’s whole thing is just Air . Like yeah we make the things that suck it in with the junk . And also the thing that fuck up it out for your whisker . And also for your hand in the public public convenience . Fuck with me
7.
New rejection level unlocked : “ we are grateful for the self-confidence you have demonstrated in transport your work ”
8.
Girls will suffer unearthly tragedies and still take to the woods errand the same day with a smile on their face but if a military man ’s parents divorce when he is 12 he will loose his wrath on the world for the rest of his life
9.
I do n’t live why I have a headache ? ? ? all I do is look at screens much of the sidereal day then go out in the sunshine for hours then grind my teeth all night
10.
Men ’s honey language is severalize you facts you already bed
11.
I been crying laughing for an minute man . My homeboy rent his railcar out to ppl on Turo , and somebody rented his Camaro from him for 4 days veracious ? They tinted his windows y all LMFAOOOOOO brought his squat back with tinted windows WHY 😭 pic.twitter.com/X9Mb8Pg0yc
12.
lana del rey just said “ is n’t it cool that we ’re playing on a full moonshine tonight ” and everyone turned around to look at the moon and it was not full at all
13.
- touches his circumcision scar * i ’m sorry i could n’t protect you
14.
I wish Taylor Swift was in love with a mood scientist
15.
to do listing are so fun . it ’s just “ drink water ” and “ read ” follow by a list of everything i ’ve ever wanted to achieve since i was 7
16.
The veterinary surgeon call my 7 twelvemonth former dog a “ senior ” today which is impossible because she ’s just a baby ? ? like … she & i discuss it often abt how she is just a tiny minuscule baby … ? ?
17.
Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl date that dog
18.
this corner has been sitting in my hall for * six week * and my hubby has not demand me what it is , why I have n’t open it , or if I should ever plan on move it and this is what it ’s like when both partners have ADHD.pic.twitter.com/NMB0ZJQlku
19.
There was a guy at the set last night who was hooting and hollering and take the entire thing . As the opener I ’m like this is believably just a intoxicated devotee of the headliners . come in to find out it was my HIGH SCHOOL DRUG DEALER who came out to confirm .. magnate I will always retrieve atomic number 92
20.
sexual love push home from TJ Maxx , my machine full of $ 76 Charles Frederick Worth of dead nothing , wolfing down my loathsome small snack mix from a made up society call like “ PopFactory Krinkle Snacks Inc ” that I found in the same aisle as dog toy
21.
My closest brush with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza place in Rhode Island once , they seemed utterly confused that I wanted a pizza pie , it read 45 minute to make , they give it to me for destitute , and it was the best pizza pie I ’d ever had .
22.
Last night I was at a very fancy restaurant and I watched a woman nonchalantly take a sip of piss out of a diminished vase of roses on the table . Her husband did n’t react at all . I can not stop thinking about it .
23.
opine about how I got my own rip drawn in type I needed it for a transfusion in approach of major operating theater , and they did n’t use it so I call for for it back , and the hospital paused before being like , “ We do n’t do blood doping here . ”
24.
Oh my god I need this laugh . This is all a rejected prospect email me in response to a form rejection email . I ’m judge to decide if I reply seriously or not.pic.twitter.com/oq7h8eet4U
25.
dan and I had been fondly gazing at each other in quiet for a couple of second and at the same moment I eventually say “ you ’re very freehanded ” he blurt out “ do you think I ’d be a good mayor ”
26.
and a three point boot is kind of when they choke them a flake
27.
Is there any way of life this country could be victim to a mass gun leak and that is why everyone is do so perturb
28.
obsess with this woman on my flight of stairs who ’s try out to commandeer an entire overhead compartment for “ her hat ”
29.
always a fine line between being lapidate enough to think a moving-picture show is really good and being lapidate enough that you ca n’t blockade recollect about how you ’re just watching existent people pretend to be other people for money
30.
What is this , a neoliberalism simulator?pic.twitter.com / WIGmp1WgEs
31.
I ( 43F ) just had my son ( 17 M ) tell me , " You ’ll never appreciate Nirvana like I do , " when a video of " Smells Like Teen Spirit " came on You Tube . This is in zero parenting manuals .
32.
( daughter who just twist 24 vocalization ) i just think your early 20s are for making mistakes & being a bit disturbed . and your mid-20s are where you get getting it all together 😊
33.
Someone asked to deal my table at a coffee shop and then ask me to entrust the table because they have a meeting ? ? ? Am I in an sequence of Seinfeld ? ?
34.
Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I do n’t care that everyone apply stencil to cut up their pumpkin vine now . Jack - oxygen - lanterns are supposed to be extremely unimpressive . You should have a imaginativeness in your head and then not be able to execute it . That ’s what Halloween is all about .
35.
I ate a sharp chip and you ’re laughing . I consume a too acuate chip and suffer the roof of my mouth and you ’re express joy
36.
thanks to my doctor i now know my number one outlet is “ transgendered person”pic.twitter.com/Y1tPr4hBZ6
37.
I yawn in the club last nighttime and my homegirl said “ do n’t piss me off ” 😭
38.
Me , lying in bed , staring at the basket of unfolded laundry that I washed on MONDAYpic.twitter.com/zWXdpbpSYi
39.
Last hebdomad a supporter number into the subroutine library and learn out an atmosphere pullet . She asked if we had somewhere to apply it and we say no . So she took it into the can and COOKED A Salmon River in it
40.
My Thomas Kyd spend the Nox at his grandparents last night and I just found out he had his granny fry chicken for him at 2 o’clock in the morning 😒
41.
the “ foregather me in the public lavatory ” was very forward for a 5th grader but then it make sense when you find out she ’s trying to cast hands
42.
I am 33 I work to a top schoolhouse I beat cancer I have overcome unnumerable hardships both personal and professional and once again I am brought to my knees by a mediocre man disregard my narrative it ’s time to see an cat’s-paw again
43.
me and my 47 alarmspic.twitter.com/RMvftkOWzY
44.
i love when hoi polloi are capable to bring out me to their grandparents using their harebrained made - up name in a 100 % serious whole step , “ this is peep and lolly . ”
45.
for some reason my hotel room has 2 toilet and i have been using them equally so neither one “ feel leave out ” in casing you ’re inquire how i ’m doing
46.
Working In Office is soooo debasing why am I bicycle 3 naut mi in slacks at 8 am with a jar of beef cattle swither in my back pack
47.
Amtrak guy scanned my tag and I order “ how are you ” and his response was “ only 23 year until retreat ”
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
24 Positively Hysterical Tweets By Women That Made Me Laugh So firmly I require My Inhaler
…or the funniest tweets by women in September!
I Can not overdraw How Wildly Hilarious These 52 Tweets By Women Are
